In some nook of brain, there lies the imaginary country of Idealistan where I rule with supreme authoritarian control over my worthy subjects. In my strict Autocracy, children are taught to be anything but mediocre drones floating through life without purpose and aspiration. From a young age children are required to watch abstract animations and films that teach us about the cruelty of living in this world, the obscure nature of all living beings, and the massive range of unique emotions. Plus anything that promotes praise of their Almighty Ruler.
REQUIRED VIEWING
1. Return to Oz
Start with the original. Fill your child's heart up with the joy of the magical land of Oz! Then drop a healthy dose of reality on your little one. A Depressing, dirty, and despicable reality. Oz has been completely destroyed by a demon, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion are now made of stone, and to top it off Dorthy's getting Shock Therapy.
2. The Last Starfighter
When your child just isn't trying hard enough, tell them you'll grow up to be just like The Last Starfighter. Lackluster, characterless, uninspiring, and definitely not Star Wars. It's an instant shot of confidence in knowing that everything you do and say can and probably will be better than the Last Starfighter.
3. Indiana Jones
This wonderful trilogy defines the modern Hero. He encapsulates everything good in the world and the Nazis everything bad. And by no recollection of mine, or any of my precious subjects, was there ever a 4th film made. It's trilogy. As in Three. 1-2-3. (Secret copies of the 4th will be "illegally" distributed so everyone can learn the benefits and pitfalls of clinical denial)
4. Nightmare Before Christmas
In no way shape or form should this film be introduced to teenagers. It invokes violent adoration in the form of Jack Skelington merchandise, obnoxious dyed bangs, and fictitious depression. It takes an innocent mind to understand the intricacies of Jack's genius and his amazing discovery that all religions, holidays, and birthdays are just fabricated ideas to promote the evils of commercialism. Match that with a bright new outlook on death and you've got one hell of an educational film.
5. Brave Little Toaster
This should be shown at a very young age. Preferably 2 or 3. For this society to work, we need to instate who's the master and who's not. I mean this Authoritarian rule needs to have some traditional values, does it not? This film is a wonderful example of the extreme sacrifices of a ragtag group of household appliances in there adoration and deep devotion of their "Master". I mean it's only appropriate.
6. Labyrinth
Teach your child to have homoerotic feelings for David Bowie at
a young age. It's healthy. It aides with the confusion normally
not felt until the late teens or early twenties when some wierdo like
me freaks out when he finds out you've never seen Labyrinth. The music
invokes similar feelings, but nothing speaks mutually agreed sex appeal
like David Bowie in a leotard dressed up as the glamorous Goblin King. I'm tingling just thinking about it.
7. Dumbo
Show this one after signs that your child might be a bully. Explain that all the elephants daddy picked on for being different actually did end up being able to fly. And they make a fuck of a lot more money too.
8. Alice
The Disney version has been banned. The last copies remain in my secret archives in a cave under Lake Merrit. Jan Švankmajer's Alice has replaced the colorful yet marred Disney vision. This classic tale is told through a series of jarring images and an equally jarring soundtrack. This is to be used to prepare the children for the coming war between my frontal and temporal lobes in 2057 in the fight for my sanity. Good luck my little minions!
The last thing one discovers in composing a work is what to put first. Do you agree?
Posted by: Air Jordan | March 9, 2011 at 10:48 PM